You Don't Need More Emotional Intelligence — You Need Emotional Safety

I Wasn’t Lacking Emotional Intelligence — I Was Lacking Emotional Safety

I was on the phone with a friend recently who made a comment and prayed for my emotional intelligence after I had just shared a vulnerable moment.

Now — let me be clear — I love having relationships like the one I have with her. I value her deeply and hold our friendship close. It’s because of how much I care about our bond that I’ve trained myself to pause and reflect instead of reacting when I feel triggered. That love keeps me from wrecking something meaningful just because something inside me got stirred.

I’ve learned that emotions aren’t threats — they’re messengers. They help me know myself. And the safer I’ve become within myself, the more clearly I can feel without fear. That safety is what allows me to recognize:

“This feeling I’m having isn’t about the relationship — it’s about what the moment is showing me about me.”

This shift is huge for me. For a long time, I didn’t have that separation. Like many of us, I grew up in environments where emotions were either dismissed, punished, or too overwhelming to process — and that left lines blurred between how I felt and whether I was still safe to be loved.

So I want to share a piece of this journey in case someone out there is where I’ve been: disconnected from your emotions because it all feels too heavy, too confusing, or too risky to unpack. If that’s you, you might be missing out on the richness that healthy relationships with yourself — and others — can offer.

What Really Happened

I had been telling my friend about a different friendship — one where I’d been feeling distant after some time apart. I was explaining how I could sense a disconnect, and how I was trying to navigate whether to reach out again or just let the space be what it is.

That’s when she advised me to “have emotional intelligence.”

And something about that rubbed me the wrong way. Not because she meant harm — I know her heart. But because that statement missed me.

Here’s why:

I knew I had emotional intelligence. That’s exactly how I had identified the disconnect in the first place — by tuning into what I was sensing, naming it, and reflecting on how to respond thoughtfully.

It felt dismissive of a core skill I’ve mastered — out of necessity.

I’ve had emotional intelligence since I was a child because I had to. I grew up in a world where tuning into others' emotions was required for survival. I had to manage the room, read the temperature, and adjust myself accordingly. Emotional intelligence wasn’t optional — it was how I stayed safe.

So when she said that, it touched a nerve. Not because I was offended at her — but because I felt unseen. Discredited. And it made me realize something important:

This wasn’t about whether I had emotional intelligence.

This was about whether I’d ever felt safe enough to use it for myself.

Emotional Intelligence ≠ Emotional Safety

That was the deeper revelation.

I’ve spent years developing emotional intelligence. I can name my feelings. I can read the feelings of others. Honestly, sometimes I feel too much — and it’s exhausting. It’s a painful gift.

But what I haven’t always had is emotional safety.

I haven’t always felt safe to:

Fully feel my emotions without minimizing them

Share how I feel without being misunderstood

Be vulnerable without fear that it’ll be used against me

And that’s where things get tangled. When I talk to people — even people I trust — I sometimes struggle to express what I’m feeling, not because I don’t know what I feel, but because there’s a fear underneath:

Will I be misunderstood again? Will they misread me with confidence and walk away thinking they understood something they didn’t?

That’s the worst part — not being misread, but being confidently misread.

It makes you wonder if your inner world will ever be mirrored accurately.

Let’s Talk About You

If you’ve ever answered “How are you?” with fine, good, or okay when none of those were true — I know you get it.

You might do it at work. With friends. With family. Or maybe now, as a parent, you’re realizing how crucial it is to model emotional health — and you’re trying to build something you never had.

That takes courage. There’s no shame in that.

Maybe you’re reading this because:

You’re ready to reconnect with your own emotions

You want to understand yourself more deeply

You’re parenting a child and want to pass on something better

Or you just want to love someone better on their emotional journey

Whatever the reason — I’m glad you’re here. Keep reading. Keep unpacking.

There’s something in this for you.

Practice: Create a Safe Emotional Space for Yourself

If you’re someone who’s afraid of your feelings — I encourage you to be brave and greet them.

Make room to hold them. Be your own safety net.

Create the safe space you never got to have.

Ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now, without judging it?

Where do I feel it in my body?

What does this feeling want me to know about myself?

Let your emotions inform you, not define you. Let them come and go like waves — and know that you’re allowed to be the shore they arrive on.

Because within that space, your feelings will tell you things you already know — and things you’ve forgotten:

Who you are

What you want

What you will no longer tolerate

And that’s worth listening to.